The Modem Lady
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One day back in 2000, while working as a front-line tech support rep for a major Dial-Up ISP, I had a run in (over the telephone) with what we agents would refer to as the 'Customer to End All Customers'. She was one of those callers who made you want to quit your measly help-desk job and go back to fast food. What follows is a partial transcript of our 2-hour conversation.
cinemafia: "Thank you for calling, my name is Alex, may I have your last name please?"
the Modem Lady: "I don't give out my name anymore."
cinemafia: "Okay, may I have the telephone number that you registered with?"
She provided the telephone number and I was able to locate her account. The first thing the woman said to me was, "Is my account active?"
I verified security with the customer and replied, "Why yes, your account is active"
the Modem Lady: "Why? Why is it active?"
cinemafia: "Well I wouldn't be able to tell you why it is active, it is what it is,"
the Modem Lady: "Do you want me to explain what happened?"
cinemafia: "Yes, go right ahead," (mistake #1)
the Modem Lady: "How far back do you want me to go?"
cinemafia: "Go as far back as you need," (mistake #2)
the Modem Lady: "Do you want me to go back to my childhood?"
cinemafia: "....um...well, let's not go back that far,"
the Modem Lady: "What's that supposed to mean? Are you trying to imply something? You known this may be the year 2000 but some of us are still sensitive,"
cinemafia: "I apologize ma'am I wasn't implying anything,"
the Modem Lady: "Well you said let's not go back THAT far, as if you were trying to say that THAT far was a very long time,"
cinemafia: "Well I'm sorry I didn't mean that at all, I just want to focus on the issue at hand, and I don't really think your childhood has anything to do with the technical issue you're calling about."
the Modem Lady: "Is it okay to talk about petunias?"
cinemafia: "Well in the right social context it's perfectly alright to talk about petunias, however you've called here for technical support and it would be best if we focused on the technical issue you have."
the Modem Lady: "Well I didn't mean I'd talk to you about petunias, not at all,"
cinemafia: "That's okay I was just trying to enlighten you,"
the Modem Lady: "You were trying to enlighten me? You were trying to what?"
cinemafia: "I said I was trying to enlighten you,"
the Modem Lady: "To what? Enlighten me?"
cinemafia: "Yes I said I was trying to enlighten you in regards to talking about things out of context,"
the Modem Lady: "Well I'm not very big on contexts, I think I know what I'm doing. Can you tell me the last time I called in to you people?"
cinemafia: "Yes I can, the last time you called was on July third...did you want to know what that call was regarding?"
the Modem Lady: "Yes I do,"
cinemafia: "Well ma'am, you called to file a formal complaint against someone to whom you previously spoke,"
the Modem Lady: "Yes that's correct, an agent or maybe a supervisor that I talked to was very rude to me, they told me never to call back here again,"
cinemafia: "Well ma'am I sincerely apologize for that, I wouldn't want you to think that everytime you call here you would speak to someone who would be rude with you,"
the Modem Lady: "Well it's too late I already talked to them, it already happened. What I want to do is find out whether or not any corrective action was taken against that person."
cinemafia: "There's no way I would be able to tell you that,"
the Modem Lady: "What's that supposed to mean?"
cinemafia: "Well, when a complaint is filed it goes to an administartive level and I do not have any access to any administrative information,"
the Modem Lady: "Well that doesn't make any sense, I thought information is good?"
cinemafia: "Excuse me?"
the Modem Lady: "I said I thought information was a good thing!"
cinemafia: "Yes it is, however what I'm trying to explain to you is that I do not have nor can I obtain that information. However you could possibly speak to a supervisor and they may be able to help you find out whether any action has been taken."
the Modem Lady: "No, no, I don't want to speak to a supervisor, do I have to talk to them?"
cinemafia: "I suppose I could try to talk to a supervisor myself and find out for you, would you like me to do that?"
the Modem Lady: "No, not right now."
cinemafia: "Okay, so let's get to the point, you can't connect, what happens when you try to connect?"
the Modem Lady: "Nothing happens,"
cinemafia: "Do you hear the modem dial out?"
the Modem Lady: "No, no, no no...I had to turn the sound off,"
At this point I thought nothing of this comment, but later you will see exactly how revealing it is.
cinemafia: "Okay well we're going to have to do some troubleshooting in order to find out why you can't connect,"
the Modem Lady: "No I cannot do any troubleshooting, I am not going to even go to my computer, I can't and I won't, I will become physically sick if I even try to do any more troubleshooting after everything that I've done thus far,"
cinemafia: "Okay well ma'am the issue is you're unable to connect and we have to check some configurations..."
the Modem Lady: "There's nothing wrong with my computer,"
cinemafia: "I understand that but we have to make sure that none of the settings are off and that way we can determine whether the problem is with your computer and its settings, or the access number you're using to dial out on or one of our servers here at (name of ISP),"
the Modem Lady: "Well there's nothing wrong with my computer at all, I know exactly what I'm doing and I know that there's nothing at all wrong with my computer,"
cinemafia: "I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with your computer, what I'm saying is that there may possibly be a setting or a configuration that is not compatible with our network and our system and we have to make sure or else we'll never figure out why you can't connect,"
the Modem Lady: "You know yesterday I went to get my hair cut and the guy started playing with my hair and talking about the weather, and I said I just want you to cut my hair, just cut my hair, cut it, cut it, cut it! The reason I'm telling you this story is because I'm trying to make the point to you that I want to connect."
cinemafia: "Oh I understand that ma'am,"
the Modem Lady: "I just want to connect, I just want to be able to connect whenever I click on the button that says connect."
cinemafia: "Yes but ma'am we have to do some troubleshooting to figure out why it won't connect,"
the Modem Lady: "I'm not going to do any troubleshooting, I'm not a troubleshooter, I mean I am, but I'm not, no I'm not."
cinemafia: "Okay well that's going to be hard because it's the only way we can determine where the connectivity problem is,"
the Modem Lady: "I'm scooping the mold out of my coffee now. I just bought it the other day and it's already got mold in it."
cinemafia: "Okay....?"
the Modem Lady: "I don't really want to drink the mold, but you know I hear that it's very beneficial. That the bacteria in the mold can help your body."
cinemafia: "Uh...that may be true but..."
the Modem Lady: "Have you ever drank coffee with mold in it?"
cinemafia: "No I haven't,"
the Modem Lady: "You haven't ever just looked at the spores floating there in your cup of coffee and sipped 'em, just sipped 'em?"
cinemafia: "No I can't say that I have... what I want to ask you is which of the two main issues that you have do you want to tackle first?"
the Modem Lady: "Which do I want to tackle? Tackle? What?"
cinemafia: "I said which of the two issues, finding out about the person you reported or getting connected, do you want to tackle first?"
the Modem Lady: "...Tackle??"
cinemafia: "Yes, which one do you want to focus on right now?"
the Modem Lady: "I don't know you decide, you're being a pretty good coach."
cinemafia: "Okay let's try to get you connected, what we have to do is get you in front of your computer so we can check some settings,"
the Modem Lady: "I told you I'm not going to do that, you know I'm tired of you people giving me advice, there's nothing wrong with my computer, and I know what I'm doing, I know exactly what I'm doing, it may seem like I don't, but I do, I do, it's been pounded into my head since I was a little girl, I may walk into a party and I may not agree with what everyone's saying but I still understand."
cinemafia: "Yes I understand that but..."
the Modem Lady: "I know exactly what I'm doing, I've done it, I know what I'm doing, if anyone of you is going to give me any advice it had better be about my petunias,"
cinemafia: "Okay, I'm not going to give you any advice..."
The conversation continued on like this, the customer repeating herself numerous times, and eventually got to the point where I gave up trying to get her connected and decided we had better find out what happened regarding the complaint she filed. She eventually got to the point where she began describing what the person who was rude to her had said.
the Modem Lady: "Obviously he hasn't achieved Nirvana, like I have,"
cinemafia: "Excuse me?"
the Modem Lady: "I said that person who said that to me just hasn't reached Nirvana, like I have, and if they did they probably wouldn't be able to stand or walk anymore."
cinemafia: "Okay...well would you like me to talk to the supervisor or would you like to talk to the supervisor about this matter?"
the Modem Lady: "Can we not call it a 'supervisor'?"
cinemafia: "Sure, we can call it 'another person', or a 'boss' if you like?"
the Modem Lady: "No, no, it doesn't matter, it's not your fault."
cinemafia: "Okay well why don't you talk to them, I think you'd get yourself across much clearer."
I got the attention of a supervisor who immediately recognized the customer as someone who was afectionately called "The Modem Lady". The supervisor confirmed that a previous supervisor had told the woman never to call back to us again, citing the fact that she refused to cooperate with the technicians and wasted our time with her ridiculous claims. The supervisor reiterated that the information she requested could not/would not be obtained and that without doing any troubleshooting there was no way to get the customer to connect to the internet. Eventually the supervisor got fed up with the customer's ramblings and hung up on her.
Later I found out why she was known all over the office as "The Modem Lady", and why she so adamantly had told me before that she'd turned off the sound to her modem. It seems that this woman has been known by many a supervisor and agent alike to have an *orgasm* whenever she heard the analog modem handshake. Since then she had to turn the sound off on her modem to avoid embarassment....as if being clinically insane weren't embarassing enough.